Change is inevitable. When I started this blog nearly 6 years ago, it was an outlet solely for me, readers were simply a welcomed side effect. A place to vent my frustrations, air my often strong opinions, and share the musings and adventures of my day to day life as a mother, student, and athlete. When my world was turned upside down a few years ago, writing became a necessary form of therapy. I healed as I shamelessly aired my dirty laundry out to the entire world wide web. But over the past year this blog has morphed into something different. As I scan over the last few months worth of posts, I see far more informational posts, and far less personal posts. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. According to my blog statistics, people like reading (and searching for) “how to” type training posts, and I enjoy writing them. But I’d be lying if I said the change in direction happened naturally and without thought. The truth is, I reached the stage in healing (and grief, I suppose) where I no longer felt like sharing. While I appreciated (and always have) the support I received from the community, I found myself suddenly becoming very defensive of my situation and my emotions, especially towards those who constantly felt the need to tell me what I should do/how I should feel, when really, they knew nothing about the situation – or me – at all. So I shut myself off from sharing my daily struggles.
“Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.” – Machiavelli
And truth be told, it wasn’t a bad move. Introspection and self reflection are incredible for healing and personal growth…but only when you are ready for them. I found that while talking about my situation and telling my story was helpful in knowing that I wasn’t alone, there came a point where I needed to internalize everything and heal myself. While from the outside it may have appeared that I was carrying on without a care in the world, on the inside I was doing a lot of soul searching, forgiving, and healing. What I’ve learned so far could fill hundreds of blog posts, and maybe someday will. For now, you are probably wondering what the hell this somewhat vague (or very vague, if you are new to my blog) rambling is about. It’s a preface to a post on a topic I haven’t blogged about in quite sometime, and your warning that I’m about to share some seriously heavy stuff.
My single goal for 2015: Move back to South Carolina. I hate to leave Vermont, more than words can describe; the thought of trading these gorgeous mountains and endless trails for endless cul-de-sacs of cookie cutter suburban homes and tourists as far as the eye can see makes me physically ill to my stomach. But I’ll emphasize the word need in “I NEED to move back to South Carolina.” Shuttling the kids back and forth 1,000 miles each way between their dad and I is completely unfair to them. Being away from them more often than not utterly sucks, far more than you could ever begin to imagine. I struggle daily with wondering if I truly did what was best for all parties involved the day I packed their bags. I know since that day that there have been many situations that I didn’t handle the way I should have. Forgiveness is good, forgiving yourself is a much harder pill to swallow. I’m reminded often by those who are truly closest to me that willingly sending my kids 9 states away to live with their dad might not have been ideal, and likely is simply inconceivable to most (understandably so), but it was what needed to be done at the time. A very selfish and yet selfless act all at once, the truth is at that time in my life I knew that he could provide for them what I couldn’t, both physically and (even more so) emotionally.
There truly is no way to describe what it feels like to be rock bottom to those who have never had the pleasure of visiting. It is so easy to look from the outside in, and make brazen statements of how one should be able to fix ones situation. Hell, even from where I sit today it’s easy for me to think of what I could – and should – have done differently. And maybe they were right, but the point is when I was there, nothing anyone could have said or suggested would have helped. So I did what I thought was best. I’m not proud. Frankly, despite the necessity, I’ll always be ashamed that I spent this time away from my kids. I’ll always feel the sting of failure that I couldn’t measure up to the status of what it truly means to be a mother. But whether the world, or my kids, ever believe it to be true, my choices were, and always have been, acts of self preservation in hopes that one day I could be a good mom again.
Here’s hoping it isn’t too late.
So there you have it. My sole 2015 resolution. If you’re still completely lost, it’s OK. The internet never forgets, and I’m sure you can find the details somewhere, but I’m choosing to stop rehashing the events that led to my decisions because it helps no one, and only stalls healing. Forgiveness. I was asked earlier today what my “word” of 2015 would be, if I had to pick one. Forgiveness. To myself. To others. And hopefully, I will earn some forgiveness as well.
Now, because actions speak (and read) louder than words, the “getting there” is the part I am now quietly busting my tail to achieve. If you notice more and more sponsored posts and random sponsored social media shares, now you know why: moving is incredibly expensive. I kindly ask you to not see the increase in frequency of these posts as a blogger “selling out” but rather one who is working hard to make use of the niche she has carved out for herself. (That said, I do still turn away countless offers – I’ve got some social media integrity).
Sure, I hope to do other things as well. Run really, really far and maybe attend some amazing races. I’ll likely try to check a few things off the 40 X 40 list (I’ve already made an appointment to donate blood next week, checklist item #23). But that scheduling will all be worked around goal #1, and thus can’t yet be outlined neatly in pretty blog post for you. I can’t commit to any events downs South, because I don’t know exactly when I’ll be there. I can’t commit to any events up North, because I’m vehemently hoping I won’t be here. But whatever adventures happen on this 2015 journey, I’ll be certain to share them here on the blog. I hope you’ll join me.
And as always, I thank you all for your continued support.