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We’ve all seen it (well, unless you are living under a rock and haven’t joined facebook…in which case, I applaud you, for you are probably far more productive than the rest of us): You have a facebook friend. You hear they are seeing/dating someone new. Maybe for a few days, maybe for a few months. Want to know if their relationship is getting serious? Check their facebook relationship status. I swear, it’s true. These days, it seems you are not “official” unless your significant other declares so on facebook. It’s the 21st century equivalent of giving someone your Varsity letter jacket or class ring.
Equally as entertaining…or confusing…are the friends whose facebook pages allude to the soap opera of the love life they lead, without them ever actually having to say anything at all. You know the ones: “John Doe is listed as in a Relationship. John Doe is listed as Single. John Doe is listed as in a Relationship, but it’s complicated. John doe is listed as Single. John Doe is listed as Engaged. John Doe says ‘you don’t want to know’. ” All in 24 hours.
Well today my friends, I changed my relationship status as well.
I remember sometime last year, when I first declared the new relationship to the world wide web. I was excited. It was something new. I was giddy with the possibilities the future could hold. We could go far together. Try new things together. We had been seeing each other for a while now, but by declaring to hundreds of friends and online strangers alike, it became official. Did I think for one second about the old status I was replacing? Nope. I was ready for change. It was new love. I was smitten.
But over the months following, the relationship started to fizzle out. We didn’t have time for each other like we should have. I was set in my ways , yet I was being told to try new things. Scratch that, I was being told, if you don’t DO these things, this relationship will never succeed. There was so much pressure. Pressure to make this work, pressure to move to the next level so soon, and I wasn’t ready for it.
But most of all….I missed my old relationship. I missed the spontaneity. I missed how uncomplicated everything was. And I really missed the long runs on the beach, with zero purpose what so ever.
So I turned to my sister, who is always there to discuss relationship problems with me. I vented my stresses and expressed my concerns. I put my heart out on the table. And she confirmed and validated my feelings. Let me know I wasn’t being a quitter, and that it was more than OK to step up and say, “you know what? This isn’t the right time in my life right now for this sort of commitment. One day I will be ready, but today is not that day.”
I decided to sleep on it. To really think it over before making any brash decisions. To let my heart AND my head make the decision together, not just one or the other. This morning I woke up and felt more confident in my decision. And thus, I made it official.
I changed my online relationship status:
HA! OK that was cheesy I know. But I’m a RUNNER dang it, and I’m over trying to convince myself otherwise! I’ve tried and tried and tried all year long to “like” swimming and biking. And don’t get me wrong…I’m getting there. Slowly. I’m not sure I will ever “love” feeling like I’m going to drown or my butt going numb on that seat, but they are becoming somewhat more enjoyable as time goes by. I’m not saying I’m NEVER going to do triathlons, either. Because I will. And that 70.3 will be mine, and that 140.6 will be mine. One day.
Just not today.
Really, I am at fault 100% for the pressure I have put upon myself. I had it set in my mind that I could mosey on into the triathlon world and knock out an Ironman in the first year or two, with no experience. I mean, after all, I went from zero miles a week to marathon in 10 months, so why not here too, right? WRONG. Everyone says that the marathon should be respected, and they are right. But in that case, a long distance triathlon should be bowed down to, and you should probably grovel at it’s feet and beg for mercy. It’s no joke. You can’t fake it.
There was a time when I would have been embarrassed to admit defeat. Heck, it still eats me up a little to know that every day, I have people tell me how much my blog inspires them, and yet here I am about tell everyone I couldn’t rise to the challenge. But, I suppose my age is showing (ha!) and I’m starting to realize that pride is a stupid reason to do things, especially like suffer through 6-7 hours of a half ironman just because I didn’t want to admit that my current circumstance just hasn’t let me train properly.
Or even more so…that I’m just not that into it.
Perhaps it’s because we have so many kick ASS athletes in the endurance community. So many everyday people who face crazy challenges daily, and never make excuses. Perhaps it’s that thinking that leaves a part of me feeling like a big fat loser that *I* couldn’t muster up the energy or motivation to train for a 70.3. I mean, yeah, I pretty much was the sole provider, without any family or babysitter help, of my two kids this summer. But what’s that , when people going through chemo, real single parents with full time jobs, people with debilitating injuries, etc etc, can pull it off?
This is the moment when my loving sister said on the phone yesterday “Heather, shut that b*tch up.” The b*tch, of course, being the crazy competitive inner voice that got me here in the first place.
So, to conclude this long, rambling blog post: I have made the decision to race the Olympic distance at Rev3 in Anderson SC in October instead of the 70.3. I’m slightly disappointed in myself. A tiny bit heart broken. But mostly relieved. Relieved that I don’t have to continue to cram this crazy training in while starting my internship and maintaining my family life…when my heart isn’t 100% into the training.
But mostly relieved I can get back to focusing more on what I truly love.