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Woah a week since my last post. Where have I been? Well the simple answer to that is…home. Let me just say, I totally, 100% can see how parents, specifically mothers, can “lose” themselves. Be it fitness, or even their identity. Yeah, I’ve been at this for, oh, 4.5 years now, but for some reason this month, it hit me like a ton of bricks (or, legos if you prefer).
I want to preface this semi-rant with the following: I assure you, I LOVE my babies more than life itself. I would not trade them for the world. I am so thankful and blessed to have these two beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed, constantly thinking they are being filmed for a wrestle mania episode little guys in my life. I’m beyond fortunate to be their
I’m on day 30, one full month as a stay at home mom (also known as “SAHM” among the SAHM crowd). Though surely other details are thrown in, if you asked me at the conclusion of each day what I did, I would likely only remember the following: refill sippy cups, feed the kids, clean the kids, break up verbal fights, break up fake fist fights (at least they giggle as they beat each other up), clean up messes, do laundry, do dishes, scold “leave your brother alone, both of you!!” and “please do not throw the ball at the window…or your brother’s head” …and then repeat all of the above 467 times.
Yesterday, as I broke up yet another play fight, my 4 year old told me “oh mom, don’t worry, we aren’t fighting because we are angry, we are fighting because it’s a sport” I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know how to respond. He had a good point, and I couldn’t help but wonder two things a) where they see these kind of moves, because I’ve never seen the Fresh Beat Band throwing punches, and b) where he got the logic that it was ok to kick your brother in the name of sport.
Rich swears it’s a boy-thing, and they are just genetically pre dispositioned to spin around like destructive little tornadoes, leaving a wake of legos and toy trains for me to step on, all while pretending to be cowboys, astronauts, ninjas and secret spies. I can’t say I long for the drama that comes with little girls, but it would be nice to sit down to a quiet tea party or coloring session from time to time.
Don’t get me wrong, they are great kids, very well behaved. And I love their energy and enthusiasm, even if it is sometimes delivered at ear piercing decibels. But combine it with the obligatory preschooler “my world is ending because you told me I couldn’t have chocolate for dinner” temper tantrums, and the 4 year old going on 16 years old attitude (he actually started the “OKAY OKAY, gosh mom” *eyeball roll* routine), and frankly, I’m exhausted. Did I mention in the summertime I become a widow to the tourist driven restaurant busy season? I do. It’s all on me, I hold down this fort. Gladly of course, but still, all me.
Part of my exhaustion had been the fact that I a) haven’t been working out, because I’m exhausted and b) sleeping in till like 9:00 am, because I’m exhausted. Which is a vicious cycle, because 11 hours of sleep + no exercise leaves me…you guessed it…exhausted! The non-working out came as a combo of the aforementioned exhaustion (did you notice the trend yet?) along with some crap-tacular news including Rich’s long awaited rheumatologist appointment getting rescheduled….to NOVEMBER (long winded discussion for an entire different post)
And thus, to bring this little rant full circle, I totally 100% can see how moms lose their self identity and ability to do things for themselves (and no one else) when they are giving 100% to care for their family.
Because it happens SO FAST. In the blink of an eye.
Sunday, Rowen said to me “mama, aren’t you going to do that exercise DVD ever again?” Nothing like being called out by a 4 year old. Yes, it’s true. All of the aforementioned drama and
exhaustion laziness strayed me away from my beloved Shaun T. *sigh* Next was Rich…the man who thinks I work out MORE than enough. Before he left for work Sunday, he said “Babe….do your Insanity today.” Before anyone jumps to conclusions, note Rich would *only* tell me to work out if my discontent/b*tchy side was starting to show. I’m afraid it was more than starting to show, it was probably flashing like a neon bar sign. The simple cure for that is always, without a doubt, endorphins.
But there were things to do, and a thousand “mom mom mommy MOMMY” beacons to answer. It wasn’t until scrambling to get out the door to get to a going away party, with fights and whining and no one listening to mom that I snapped. Trying to keep one from napping was clearly the biggest mistake ever. And so, being the mean old frustrated mommy I was, I sent everyone to their rooms for much needed naps. Rowen even declared “I don’t like you right now”, and proceeded to not only pass out but saw some logs as well. Like me or not kiddo, I know what I’m doing (I think…)
Then I poured my heart, frustration, and little energy I had into working out in front of my TV screen, gasping for breath and cursing Shaun T and the fact that he can jump up from the floor in pushup position and back down again before I even realize what is going on.
Let me never lose sight again!
|heh heh, they will hate me for this one day 😉|