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Other than bad movies or finish lines, endings are almost never fun.
When I left SC 3 months ago, I knew what I was doing. I knew what I was leaving behind: a broken relationship, likely beyond repair. I was hurt, I was angry, I was bitter, however, my heart held out hope that something, anything, could be salvaged. And after a glimmer of hope just a few weeks ago that it truly would work out, this past week I realized without a doubt, it was over. Forever.
And that shattered my heart.
It’s a horrible feeling to lose someone who was once your best friend and your everything. In the moment as you begin to grasp what is really happening, you can only remember the amazing times. And we had so, so many. Careless days spent surfing or wandering Cape Hatteras. Nights on the beach watching fireworks, or dates over SouthWestern egg rolls. So much laughter, so much fun, so much love.
And then you add in kids.
Two amazing human beings created out of love. The thought of my little family unit being split up left me reeling. Once you have children together your relationship takes on a whole new meaning that no one can understand UNTIL they are in that position. You would die for your family.
All of these thoughts had me spinning into a deep dark place where I could not remember all of the bad times, all of the times he left me feeling so alone, all of the times I wished for so much more, knew I deserved so much more, all of the times I looked for a way out, but instead I could only remember the love, and in that moment, I felt like I might truly die of heartache. I felt betrayed and I felt given up on. I lost 10 lbs in 6 days. I slept a total of 8 hours in 6 days. I forgot all of the amazing things life has to offer, because I felt so truly miserable and hopeless.
It’s a tough place to come out of.
My wise older sister reminded me yesterday that sometimes two people just were not meant for each other. It’s no one’s fault and both of their faults all at the same time. But you can only fight that for so long before you have to throw your hands up in the air and admit this is probably for the best.
And after a week of torturing myself with all of the “what if’s”, yesterday I seemed to hit my breaking point. It was both the worst and the best day ever. Because after I hit what was thankfully (and hopefully) rock bottom…I finally accepted that it was over. And when I did, I started to remember all of the things that made me so bitter, that made me push away, and I remembered all of the things I did want out of a relationship that I wasn’t getting, and would never get out of this one. I realized all of the things that *I* did wrong as well, and take that as a lesson for the future.
And today, like a tiny sprout raising out of the ashes, I finally feel truly hopeful and ready for a fresh start. I’ve been ready for it for so long, but too scared to let go of the past to actually take that step towards getting it. Therefore, I can’t get mad at you for doing exactly what I hoped to do all along, and that is to move on.
The last 7 years were a whirlwind of chaos, it’s no surprise we self destructed. It brought out the worst in both of us. But at the end of the day the truth is, you simply can not change nor hold on to the past. All you can do is say thank you, learn from it, and move on.
Thank you for all of the amazing memories. I will never let the bitterness for the bad times cloud the love that was real.
Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself.
Thank you, in all of this, for reminding me with both your love, support and your betrayal and hurt, to keep fighting for what *I* want out of my life.
Thank you, more than words could EVER express, for these beautiful, beautiful babies.
Grudges are bad for the soul, and my life is too amazing to cloud it with that sort of negativity. I truly believe you can’t hold anger in your heart for someone you once loved so much.
So cheers to the good times, it was one hell of a ride. I truly wish you nothing but the best.