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I re-read this post before hitting publish and thought to myself “woah this chick is crazy”. Aren’t we all, aren’t we all. But the truth is, if the thoughts don’t come out on a run and are quelled by endorphins, they would come out on a therapists couch and be dulled by some sort of prescription drugs.
Some of you may relate, others may shake your head because you can’t. But regardless, here are my ramblings:
I got home from sweating buckets at aerobics class today and got right on the treadmill. OK there might have been a little facebooking in between, but pretty soon after I got home, I got on the treadmill. It’s been a while since I felt the URGE to workout. Lately, it’s been working out for work, or working out because I know I HAVE to. At least I still have that willpower going for me, granting me more physical activity than the average American, but still, not at the level I want it to be, because I just haven’t been feeling it.
But today, the treadmill called to me. It whispered “Heather, come get these bikes off of me (yeah, I store them ON the treadmill). Brush the layer off dust off of my display and hit that start button! Just a few easy miles. You don’t have to tell anyone your pace and I won’t make you do intervals…or incline! Please ! Just give me some attention!”
Not wanting the treadmill to feel neglected (ha!) I took off my aerobics Avias and put on my running Avias. And I ran. Starting with a 10:20 pace, ending with an 8:20 pace. For 2 miles I ran. And I LOVED it. My breathing was calm. My legs felt strong. I just felt GOOD. This is the running I love. And as I looked around at the medals next to me (nothing like lining them up next to the treadmill for motivation), feeling on top of the world, I thought to myself:
WHAT THE F*@$ IS WRONG WITH ME???
How is it that I love to run so much, but I can’t bring myself to do it as much as I wish I would? How is it that I let myself go WEEKS without something that makes me feel so awesome, something that defines me as a person? (Obviously not the ONLY defining characteristic, but I don’t just run, I AM a runner)
I look at people who slog through an entire marathon training schedule, not missing any days, even on the days when more than anything, they’d rather stay in bed or lay on the couch in their sweatpants, with the utmost respect and admiration. And jealousy. Yes, I’m jealous of their dedication.
I wonder what it is inside of me that prevents me from having that sort of dedication. Am I lazy? Maybe sometimes, but in general, I don’t think so. I mean, I workout almost every day. I TEACH fitness classes. I put myself through school , earning honors, while raising two kids and working. I’d like to think that all gives me a get out of lazy jail free card.
So am I scared? Am I too hard on myself? I don’t think so. Yes, we have a lot going on here in our personal lives right now. But I also have that whole 5:00-8:00 am window where everyone in my house is fast asleep, and a VERY nice treadmill in my bedroom for the hours when they are awake.
So what gives?
It was then, like a light bulb that went off in my head, that I realized: I get frustrated that I can’t keep up with others and so I always quit. Well, obviously not exactly, whole heartedly QUIT, but more so a “well if I can’t do it 100% due to circumstance , why bother TRYING to give 100%” train of thought. A giant demotivational cycle. Way not cool Heather, way not cool.
I can’t help but wonder: when I lose the “if you don’t run x amount of miles, x times per week at x pace, you are not a real runner” mindset (funny, I never think that way about anyone else, just myself) will the dedication follow?
Only time will tell. But for today, I will take my 2 simple, yet awesome miles, and run with it.