Last Updated on January 16, 2019 by Heather Hart, ACSM EP, CSCS
“As most of you know, if left to my own devices, I’ll quit when no one is looking, then saunter back to the tent, sit down, and tell you I’ve quit, after my timing chip has already been handed in. Don’t turn your back on me, I’m not trustworthy.”
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There are a number of things that frustrate me about the fitness industry, some of which cause my own insecurities to fester from time to time. Note, I said my own insecurities, I’m not trying to place blame on anyone but myself. But for the sake of this blog post, lets list them anyway: The fact that low body fat and huge muscles (and boobs, lets be real) often give more credibility than experience, education, and certifications. The fact that my stretchy mom skin covered stomach will never be 6-pack Instagram worthy, which often dictates success in this social media driven world. The fact that I refuse to count calories or macros, for fear that it will lead to disordered eating with my already addictive personality. And lastly, the fact that my mental toughness is not “beast mode” 24/7, as it is for so many other “pros”. Which, I’ll admit, is the exact reason why I hesitated to publish this blog post about 437 times. Weakness is a choice, or so says the tank top I wear to the gym some times. I , as someone others look up to for guidance and motivation in the fitness world, am not supposed to be anything but 100% driven.
The truth is this: I’m soft. Physically and emotionally, and if we’re still being honest, MOST OF THE TIME, I don’t care. I love me. I’m confident in my abilities as a fitness professional and running coach.
But in the case of running – and failing -100 milers, I’m getting pretty sick of my own shit.
You see, I can muddle through discomfort, more than the average person. Hell, I wouldn’t be an ultra runner if I couldn’t. This sport is truly for the sadistic, for those seeking something bigger than words can describe from pushing beyond their preconceived physical and mental limits. But when it comes to those epic lows, the ones that throw you deeper into the suffering abyss than you can even begin to fathom when you aren’t in the midst of it (and the lows that in my case are likely only made worse by plummeting blood sugar levels)…
…I quit.
Which brings us back to the fitness industry: as a running coach, one that specializes in helping runners cross that threshold into ultra territory, not being able to suck it up and push through when things REALLY get tough leaves me sometimes feeling like an imposter.
Believe me, I know how ridiculous this sounds.
Maybe it’s the taper talking. Maybe it’s the seasonal affective disorder that’s plagued me for my entire life rearing it’s ugly mid-January “where the hell is the sun?” head. Maybe it’s low blood sugar, again.
But here’s the brutal truth: I’m days away from another starting line, and even though I’m probably better conditioned, physically, than I’ve ever been for an ultramarathon, I’m terrified I won’t see the finish line. And it’s not so much that I’m scared of the discomfort, of the exhaustion, of the cold, and let’s be real, of the actual searing pain that often comes with miles 62 and beyond…
I’m scared I’m going to quit again. I’m scared of my own head. Of not being able to tell myself to shut up and keep moving forward, but rather that I’ll cave to the “if it’s not fun, why do it?” mindset that I’m such a fan of. I’m scared that I’ll come up with a million more reasons why I have “nothing to prove” and that maybe “100 milers aren’t for me” and everything else you’ve heard me spout off after every single DNF to justify my decision to quit. Only to find myself a week later full of regret, because for reasons still unbeknownst to me, I have an obsession with achieving these triple digit distances. And to remember that I do have something to prove – to myself.
I share this to be completely transparent about ALL the aspects of ultra running. Yeah, I’m a little crazy. But I’m pretty sure we all are.
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Two years ago while I was running the Hallucination 24 hour race, my friend Felicia struck up conversation with none other than Gary Cantrell, aka “Lazarus Lake” of Barkley Marathons fame, who was manning the aid station at 1:00 am. She told him that she was getting ready to go pace me, to which he replied something along the lines of “Don’t pace her. Make her do this on her own.” Of course, Fe did pace me, and told me what Laz said. For whatever reason, that has always stuck with me. Making me feel like I SHOULD be able to do this on my own, because after all, I’m doing this for no one but myself.
This time, however, I’ve decided to take a different approach. In a message to my crew for the race this weekend, I wrote: “As most of you know, if left to my own devices, I’ll quit when no one is looking, then saunter back to the tent, sit down, and tell you I’ve quit, after my timing chip has already been handed in. Don’t turn your back on me, I’m not trustworthy. Please don’t let me quit.”
I’ve got a different approach this time around. A different plan of attack. And as you may have gathered by now, a completely different mindset, and probably not the most positive one. Everything is more conservative, including my confidence.
So…here goes nothing?
p.s. I entered the Vermont 100 lottery. I need to have a recent sub 30 hour 100 miler to qualify. So you know, I just doubled the pressure on myself, no big deal.
Heather Hart is an ACSM certified Exercise Physiologist, NSCA Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist (CSCS), UESCA certified Ultrarunning Coach, RRCA certified Running Coach, co-founder of Hart Strength and Endurance Coaching, and creator of this site, Relentless Forward Commotion. She is a mom of two teen boys, and has been running and racing distances of 5K to 100+ miles for over a decade. Heather has been writing and encouraging others to find a love for fitness and movement since 2009.
Geoffrey Hart
🙂 Je taim.
John Flynn
Good luck! Can’t wait to see how you pull this one out
Denzil
One thing that I have started to learn is that the more long races you do, it’s extremely important to know WHY you are out there running them. The first 100 miler has the novelty of it being this enormous invigorating challenge, and you’ll stop at nothing to complete it. Subsequent 100 milers, the naivety is gone. You know exactly what it coming. It’s like standing in line for a second punch in the face. You know it’s going to hurt, and it’s really easy to avoid that by just waling away. If you have a big enough why, and you’ve committed to that why, you’re much less likely to call it quits when things get dark.
Think about all of the reasons you may quit now, and start talking yourself out of them before you even toe the line. Have that hard conversation with yourself. Resolve now that the only way you are going to quit is if you are causing permanent damage to you body. If you think about quitting, ask yourself if you can still keep moving, no matter how slow, and if the answer is yes, keep moving. At the very least, push that voluntary DNF decision off until the next aid station (leaving the current aid station walking with 2 handfuls of glorious calories), and in those next 5-7 miles, things have hopefully improved. I also try and remind myself that you never end on a low. The next high is always out there, you just have to hang in there and get through the low to enjoy that high.
One lessen I learned the hard way during my last 100 miler….stop trying to run 100 miles. Just run aid station to aid station. After I got near the 50k mark, definitely not feeling great, I wondered how I was ever going to run 70 more miles if I already felt this bad now. I kept that train of thought until around mile 55, and then I finally realized what I was doing. I was looking at way too big of a picture. After that, I started running aid station to aid station instead of counting down the miles, and that negativity all but vanished the rest of the race.
I’d also like to say that in the world of social media it’s easy to think athletes are 100% driven all the time because that’s the instagram photo they post. They don’t post about the times they are having an emotional breakdown, or even just the day they opt for an extra race day rest because they just aren’t feeling it. If you haven’t already read it, I highly recommend reading The Happy Runner by David and Megan Roche. Such an incredible book, especially the first half of it in instances like this.
That’s enough blabbing on about unsolicited advice. Find your WHY, embrace the suck, and GO GET THAT BUCKLE!!!!!!!
Deb Paul
What a beautiful and perfect reply from your husband. What could be more important than that in your life. Enjoy
Jan
I’ve just finishd reading “north:…” by Scott Jurek. Even he needs pacers/runners to push him above and beyond, so why shouldnt you?
Whatever happens, we still want to read about it here afterwards. Again, no pressure 😀
You can do this. Trust us.
Hugh
Oh my God Heather, this is exactly why I love your blog. Because it’s not like an instagram page with flashy sports drinks, and buzz-words for new training styles. I really trust your advice because you don’t hype it up and you can tell people what they don’t want to hear.
Heather Hart, ACSM EP-C
Thank you Hugh! Comments like this mean the world to me!!