While in the shower this morning, I was admiring* the effects of all of the hard training I’ve been doing over the last few weeks. Yes, my body screams that I am a fit, enthusiastic, obstacle course racer, and just in time for summer and bikini season!
But wait, there is good news! Summer isn’t technically here yet, so YOU still have time to get the obstacle course racing body you’ve dreamed of, and you don’t even have to step foot in the gym! Follow these five steps**, and you too can rock the beach with a body that screams “I am an obstacle course racer, I eat barbed wire and mud pits for breakfast!”
(disclaimer: severe sarcasm and somewhat graphic pictures ahead)
Step 1) Find a patch of your favorite rash inducing “poison” plant (ivy, sumac, oak, take your pick).
Roll around in it. No really, don’t be shy! For the most authentic look, be sure to get some of that lovely plant oil in the most inexplicable location (back of the neck, armpit, top of the thighs) so when the painful rash appears, you can look at it in agony and think “how did I get it there?!”
Step 2) For one day, lose your sense of coordination.
Run into walls, trip over chairs, slam your shins into the corner of the coffee table. Bruises that leave people wondering if you are clumsy are nice; bruises that leave people wondering if you got into a wrestling match with a grizzly bear are even better.
Step 3) Spend an exorbitant amount of time outdoors, while wearing shorts, a tank top, and preferably knee high socks.
This will ensure the most awkward of skin tone variations, including tropical dark tan knees and shoulders, with ghostly white thighs and shins. Bonus points for perfect sports bra lines. (Seriously though, wear sunscreen. Sunburns are bad.)
Step 4) Find a field loaded with thorny bushes, preferably shoulder high, and hastily run through, letting the needle like plants tear at your skin.
No prickers available? Lock yourself in a small closet with a very angry cat.
Step 5) Bring a skateboard to a very large hill.
Ride down it, being sure to fall off (preferably in a superman/”slide into home base” fashion) once you reach maximum speed. Though pavement is rarely encountered by the obstacle course racer, the amount of road rash typically present would lead you to believe otherwise.
Voila. Don your bikini and strut your stuff on the beach this summer, enjoying the stares and head turns that your new obstacle course racing body will bring you ***. You are welcome.
* By admiring, I meant contemplating the irony of how so many fitness “sources” like to market the idea of a getting a fit “bikini body” in time for the summer months, yet when I am in peak fitness for the year, my body looks like it has been through some sort of epic battle with mother nature. All of this deep thinking, of course, while trying to find a non injured, non poison sumac covered strip of my leg to attempt to shave.
** I don’t actually recommend doing any of the above. This is intended to be a sarcastic post. Real injuries aren’t funny. Please don’t make me put a real disclaimer noting the fact that you should NOT attempt any of the above. And if you do, please spare the angry cat.
*** Not the type of article you expected? Want six pack abs, a back that will climb ropes, and killer glutes that carry you to the tops of mountains? No quick fixes there, friends, just hard work and dedication. You may want this article, How to Train for a Mud Run- OCR 101, instead.